I prefer conversation when I’m using Uber. I really look forward to the people I meet and the stories they share with me.
Recently, an Uber driver was taking me to an interview and we got talking about the importance of gratitude. He told me that he wakes up at 3 in the morning and hustles to support his family back home while working towards being able to buy a car of his own. Like so many of us, his view of life had become: I need to get there. Other people are already there. I’m behind. Push, push, push.
Then a conversation with a wealthy client of his changed the way he looked at things.
The client spoke about his success but also about the problems with his lungs – he needed an oxygen tank connected to him around the clock. Hearing this made the driver realise that he’d never thought about the effort required simply to breathe – who among us truly does?
And once he started thinking about it, he realised how many other things he’d taken for granted: having food on the table, a house, a driver’s licence and a job.
Listening to him, what struck me most was that none of these realisations had made him less ambitious. All that had changed was his understanding that one can do both: we can be grateful for what we have today while still pushing towards what we hope to have tomorrow.
Why is it so easy to notice what’s missing?
There’s a concept in psychology known as the negativity bias – our tendency to pay more attention to negative experiences and information than positive ones. The Uber driver’s story shows what can happen when we shift that attention. Nothing had changed on that day; he’d simply become aware of something good that had been there all along.
Luckily for us, the way we pay attention isn’t necessarily fixed. Neuroplasticity describes the brain’s ability to change in response to experience and learning. This doesn’t mean we can train ourselves never to have another negative thought – or that this would even be a good thing – but repeated practices can help shape patterns in the brain. In other words, we can practise noticing.
Practising gratitude
One example comes from psychologist Martin Seligman, who developed an activity often referred to as Three Good Things. At the end of each day, you simply write down three things that went well and why.
What I like about this practice is that the three things don’t need to be extraordinary. It could be something as simple as breathing freely. This kind of noticing is what the Uber driver had begun doing naturally. The early mornings were still early and the car still wasn’t his. What had changed was what he was paying attention to alongside those things.
Being kind to ourselves when life is difficult
I have so much to be grateful for, so why am I struggling?
It’s a thought many of us have probably had. But gratitude shouldn’t become another reason to criticise ourselves, or a demand to find something positive in every difficult experience.
This is where researcher Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion comes in. Neff describes three parts of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Self-kindness means responding to ourselves with understanding when we’re struggling. Common humanity reminds us that difficulty is part of being human. And mindfulness is about noticing our thoughts and emotions without suppressing them or becoming consumed by them.
Mindfulness can also help us notice the relationship between our thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Think again about the Uber driver’s old view of life: I’m behind. Push, push, push.
If that’s the thought you carry with you, what emotions are likely to follow? Perhaps pressure, anxiety or frustration. And those emotions might lead you to push yourself harder and harder without coming up for air to acknowledge how far you’ve already come.
Our thoughts can influence how we feel, how we feel can influence what we do, and what we do can feed back into the way we think and feel. Mindfulness helps us notice that cycle. The alternative doesn’t need to be an unrealistically positive thought. It could just be: I’m not where I want to be yet, and there are also things in my life right now that I’m grateful for.
Both can be true.
That, ultimately, is what stayed with me after I got out of that Uber. Wanting a better life for ourselves and the people we love matters. But what if we don’t have to wait until we “get there” before appreciating what’s already here?
Sometimes, what’s sustaining us is so ordinary that we barely notice it – until somebody else’s story reminds us to pay attention.
Like taking a breath.